Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts

Friday, April 16, 2021

Parenting in the Digital Age: Finding a Healthy Balance Webinar Recording (60 minutes)


On April 27 I joined Mathew Meyers once again to discuss parenting in the digital age.  Mathew and I have held three previous talks over the past four years (recordings linked below). He is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at Traverse Counseling & Consulting, GBC. I have great respect for Matt and always learn a lot from our conversations about parenting and maintaining a healthy balance with technology. The hour webinar recording is above. This was the advertised description:
 
TikTok, Snapchat, Fortnite, YouTube and more ... Technology is a big part of our kids’ world! Keeping up can be challenging, but a positive and well-informed approach can have a big impact on a child’s future and habits. Learn how to help kids develop a balanced and healthy use of technology from an early age and keep this up through the secondary school years and beyond.

Get tips and ideas for parenting and understand the significant role you play in helping your kids be responsible and safe in today’s high-tech world. Numerous ideas and free resources will be shared, and time for Q & A will be provided. 

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Monday, December 3, 2018

Who is Talking With Your Kids about Pornography?


If you're not talking with your kids about pornography, who is? Have a conversation about this is not something to which most parents eagerly anticipate. Often parents worry that having this talk may get their kids to start thinking about sex, perhaps even becoming curious and seeking out content earlier than they would have had nothing been said. But waiting means that rather than proactively setting up guidelines sharing our beliefs and values about sexuality with our children, we will be discussing these after we find out they have already been exposed to pornography. This could potentially be well after their initial exposure and perhaps long after a lot of time spent viewing it.  

The fact is this talk needs to be more than just a one time conversation. It needs to be frequent and ongoing. The negative effects of pornography and its effect on our brains is difficult enough for adults to navigate and certainly not something that a young impressionable mind knows how to handle. Women are often seen as objects in pornography. Young boys and grown men watching pornography learn to objectify women, valuing them for how they look rather who they are as individuals. The viewer may also come to see her/himself as an object. Mistreatment and physical harm of others is modeled through pornography. Pornography can become very addictive for adults and for kids, creating a desire to see more extreme and unusual content. It can train your brain into thinking what you see is normal, healthy, appropriate, and how relationships work. 

Dove Campaign for Beauty
If this is a taboo topic in your home then your kids don't have your guidance helping them along the way, instead learning about sexuality from the internet. In a Moth podcast recorded a while ago, Adam Savage of Myth Busters describes parenting as trying to influence the computer code in our kids' operating systems. In Talking To My Kids About Sex In The Internet Age, he explains how he tried to influence the code by having this talk with his twin sons. He said "curiosity is OK but it will quickly take you to places that you don't want to go...it's reasonable to be curious...but you will quickly see things that you won't be able to unsee, images that will stick with you the rest of your life." In short, in an effort to put things into context he sums it up for his boys as "the internet  hates women." This is both a startling and intriguing way to describe things and set up a framework for more discussion. Years ago Dove had some PSAs about media's influence and portrayal of women that are worth viewing and discussing with our kids: Evolution and Onslaught.

(Approximately 11 minute clip)
A while ago in one of the webinars I did with Mathew Meyers, a licensed marriage and family therapist,  we discussed how to talk with your kids about pornography. Starting at a young age, we can tell our kids that there are pictures out there of naked people and explain why we believe you shouldn't look at these and why it isn't healthy or ok to look. We should also talk about why these pictures and videos are on the internet- that many unhealthy people are looking at this and creating a market for it. It is also important to talk through what to do if/when this content is viewed by playing out possible scenarios like, "What would you do if you're at a friend's house and s/he wants you to watch an inappropriate video?" Be sure to take shame out of the equation. Do not make it a taboo topic--talk about our sexuality being normal. (See Simple Tip for Powerful Conversations with Kids: Start with "What if.." vs. "Have you..?") I often tell kids to practice the Grandma Test when wondering whether or not something is OK: keep your Grandma proud of the content you view as well as create. 

Last year at the National Digital Citizenship Conference, I met Kristen A. Jenson, author of Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today's Young Kids (Second Edition), a great short book in kid friendly language written for parents to have the difficult and often avoided conversation about pornography. Kristen helps parents explain the difference between your thinking and feeling brain and how pornography can become addictive, tricking the brain into an addiction. She lays out a five step plan entitled "CAN DO" which stands for Close my eyes immediately, Always tell a trusted adult, Name it when I see it, Distract myself, and Order my thinking brain to be the boss! There are about 2-3 discussion questions after each short chapter to help parents with this important discussion.

 We need to talk with our kids frequently about pornography. Don't put this off. If you've already had this discussion, revisit the topic once again. I have more links and resources to help talk with kids about pornography here.
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Monday, May 21, 2018

What Story Are Your Kids Living Out in Fortnite? The Importance of Avoiding Violent Video Games

Fortnite Weapon Choices
Fortnite has been a popular game for quite a while, but it seems like just recently its made it to the headlines in educational news organizations as a problem for schools. If you don’t know what it is, it is basically the latest video game craze that tweens, teens and even 20 and 30 year old adults love to play or just watch others play for hours. It’s a mix of Minecraft and Hunger Games in a really engaging, well designed environment where up to 100 players simultaneously work to build up their own defenses while at the same time trying to eliminate all other players--the last person alive or small team of one or two players wins. The boundaries of this virtual world even shrink over time  so people can’t hide out through a storm that players have to avoid. More on Fortnite from Common Sense Media.

Nintendo Wii Just Dance- Fun Without Violence!
I’ve never been a fan of violent video games. When our oldest kids were in elementary school we purchased an original Nintendo Wii which they still occasionally use. Our games are pretty basic such as Mario Cart, Wii Sports, and Just Dance. We never purchased any of violent games, and managed to avoid getting a Play Station or X Box or having our kids play a lot of video games online in general. We’ve always tried to limit their entertainment screen time to about 60 minutes per day and have discouraged any sort of violent video games with guns and killing. I know this doesn’t mean that our kids haven’t ever played these games at a friend's house or more recently through their phone. Games are now easily accessible through mobile devices with high quality graphics in an experience that rivals what used to only be available on the external game consoles. But it does mean they've spent a lot less time gaming and in simulated violent environments which we believe is better for them. Although you can find studies that will back both sides, I've read enough about the negative effects of playing violent video games that makes me believe avoidance is important.
Checking Battery (App Time) Use

Recently our sons were playing Fortnite, so I sat down with them and talked about the content of the game, its objectives, as well as the pretty realistic graphics as players kill off opponents. We talked about how playing something repeatedly conditions ourselves to be less affected by violence. I know there are certain games that are much more violent and gory than Fortnite, and I’m very thankful that we our kids haven’t been into those or wanted to play them. I asked them to cut back on their time playing Fortnite and encouraged them to try to stop playing this type of game altogether. I had each of them go to their phone's settings and look at their battery usage, which lists the total amount of time spent per app. I’ve use this technique in the past as a good tool with my kids to review and talk about what they’re doing on their phones and how much time they are spending on entertainment and social media. I had them take a screenshot of their battery usage and asked them to hold on to that so we could refer back to it in a week and compare their usage overall.
 

What story are your kids living out in their video games?


Two weeks after this conversation, I'm thankful to report that both boys have stopped their playing of the game altogether. I hadn't expected them to both stop completely so soon. I know this isn’t always the case and that some kids will have a much harder time stopping their play of a fun, addictive game. Mathew Meyers, a licensed marriage and family therapist with whom I've done some parent webinars, specializes in helping young people with video game addiction, and begins by having them track their time spent gaming and gradually reducing this. Years ago I heard Dr. David Walsh talk about the dangers of having kids play violent video games and how every game teaches you a storyline. He stated that "Whoever tells the story defines the culture" and asked, "What story are your kids living out in their video games?"  I think these are important questions to continue to ask ourselves and as parents and work to not let our children spend their time in the culture of violent video worlds. We try to limit our exposure to violence in our movie and TV media and news channels as well. This is tough, especially when something like Fortnite is so popular. But as parents, we need to help our children learn to have a healthy balance in the amount of time spent on entertainment and video gaming and steer them to experiences with more positive story lines. They'll be better people in the long run. 

 Check out Common Sense Media's tips on How to Handle the Violent Videos at Your Kid's Fingertips

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Monday, October 2, 2017

Top Tips for Educators to Help Students & Parents with Technology (video)

A few days ago I had the opportunity to join Mathew Meyers once again for a presentation about technology. Specifically, our presentation was designed to help teachers understand ways to help students and their parents use technology in a balanced and appropriate way. This conversation is one that I’ve had in the past with Mathew—last spring we recorded two parent webinars on this topic. (Watch Part I or Part II of Parenting in the Digital Age). In this latest presentation, we cover some of the same topics with teachers that we addressed with parents, but focus more from the perspective of how teachers and educators can help students and parents. A more detailed outline is listed below.

We all want our students to have safe, healthy, and responsible relationships with technology. Mathew points out that
“adults don’t have a template for this—we really are historically blind with how we lead people into a safe, healthy relationship with technology. Parents and educators don’t have the wisdom of those who came before us in regards to how to raise kids with technology. We need to be thoughtful and mindful about how we are engaging with technology. It is resetting how we do relationships, human development, important to be thoughtful so the the implications aren’t detrimental to our future.”  
The K-12 school years are the opportune time to help students learn to have  healthy relations with the technology in their lives, and educators play a critical role in helping with this. As the lines between personal and school related technologies becoming increasingly blurred, it is more important than ever that today’s students hear about these topics in the school setting. 

Watch the presentation recording in full or skip ahead to a section:

Introduction

Staff-Student-Parent Triangle
Parent Anxiety, The Device is Not the Problem, the Importance of Alignment and Working as a Team to Help Students, The Power of a Phone Call vs. Email

Screen Time & Balance
Entertainment vs. Educational Screen Time

Attention & Focus, Addiction
Two Different Attention Systems
Turning off notifications
Addictive apps like a pocket slot machine

Stopping Cues & Natural Consequences
Humans are finite, but technology/computers can work forever
Look for logical breaks, incremental time
Using Apple Guided Access
Address the behavior vs. taking away technology
Allowing failure, letting go

Modeling & Personal Balance
Being present—be where your feet are

Relationships & Social Media
FOMO vs. JOMO
What age should a child get a smartphone?
What age to start using social media?
Relationships, Connection, and Rice Cakes

Next Steps
Resources
Mathew’s blog, Relationships That Heal

Also, if you are in the Minnetonka area, check out Mathew’s upcoming parent workshops on Teens & Technology through Minnetonka Community Education: 
  • October 10 - What Kids Do on the Internet and its Impact on Development
  • October 17 - Identify Strategies to Keep Technology from Controlling Your Family
  • October 24 - Taking Back Control – Create a Family Digital Strategy
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Monday, September 4, 2017

Digital Mentors Needed: Distracted Parents Disengaged With Children

A recent article brought to my attention has me reflecting quite a bit on my ideas around kids' use of smartphones and technology and their ever increasing addictive behaviors and dependence. The article, Yes Smartphones are Destroying a Generation, but Not of Kids by Alexandra Samuel, was written in response to an earlier article in the Atlantic by Jean Twenge entitled, Are Smartphones Destroying a Generation? which stated that smartphones have placed today's youth on the brink of a mental health crisis. In the Atlantic article, Twenge stated that the advent of smartphones has led to today's youth being depressed. But Samuel explains how Twenge cherry-picked her facts. She points out that rather than just looking at a brief one or two year period, when one looks at the data collected over twenty years, it shows that there actually is no noticeable decrease in happiness. She even explains that "Teens report near identical levels of happiness regardless whether they’re on the higher or lower end of social media usage."

What I found most enlightening by Samuel's response to Twenge was the fact that it pointed out at the root cause of smartphone problems might actually be parents themselves. The author explains that because smartphones distract parents, they spend less time with their kids. Furthermore, when their kids interrupt their parents seeking attention, studies have shown that parents respond negatively, seeking to quickly end the interruption so they can get back to what they were doing (such as surfing the Internet, checking Facebook, reading email etc.) Some powerful excerpts from the article worth reading word for word: 
"...you know what smartphones and social media are really great at? Tuning out your children... Fellow parents, it’s time for us to consider another possible explanation for why our kids are increasingly disengaged. It’s because we’ve disengaged ourselves; we’re too busy looking down at our screens to look up at our kids."
"My entire experience of parenthood has been lived in the tug-of-war between child and screen; my kids can’t remember a time when they didn’t have to compete with my iPhone in order to get my attention. Like many people, my constant screen interactions are a matter of professional obligation as well as personal taste, so I live life as a constant juggling act between the needs of my children and the distractions of social media."
Samuel goes on to explain that what a parent really needs to do is to become a "digital mentor" for their child, modeling and supporting their use of technology. Again, an excerpt:
Mentoring your kids means letting go of a one-size-fits-all approach to kids’ tech use, and thinking instead about which specific online activities are enriching (or impoverishing) for your specific child. Mentoring means talking regularly with your kids about how they can use the Internet responsibly and joyfully, instead of slamming on the brakes. Mentor parents recognize that their kids need digital skills if they’re going to thrive in a digital world, so they invest in tech classes and coding camps. And of course, mentor parents embrace technology in their own lives—but thoughtfully, so they can offer guidance on the human (if not the technical) aspects of life online.
I have written about technology distractions in the past which I have observed in both my own efforts to limit distractions as well as those of others. I've spoken about personal struggles to spend time with my own kids rather than being distracted by technology. I love the idea of parents as digital mentors--it's not new. I first heard about it from Devorah Heitner at the 2015 DigCit Conference in Connecticut. Check out her Digital Citizenship Mentorship Manifesto.

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Monday, April 10, 2017

Parenting in the Digital Age: Finding a Healthy Balance (Webinar Recording)


In our continued efforts to inform and educate parents about ways to help their children learn to use technology positively and have a healthy balance in their use of technology, we held a lunch hour webinar last week. We have done this in the past and found it to be an effective way to reach a large number of busy parents. Over 300 parents signed up in the first couple of days we advertised it. Not all ended up watching it live, but all who did sign up received a recording of it afterwards to watch. We'll also post it on our website for anyone to see. This webinar format is becoming more common for parents who want the information but can't fit an evening meeting into their schedule. We have run webinars in the past for programs about topics such as class registration and our VANTAGE business internship program. These, too, have been popular and recordings have been watched by many who did not attend the face to face meeting.  

For this webinar, Parenting in the Digital Age: Finding a Healthy Balance, I was joined by Mathew Meyers, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist from Traverse Counseling. I've known Mathew for a few years now as part of our District Digital Health & Wellness Committee. Mathew has such great insight and advice for parents about dealing with kids and technology, and he even counsels and helps young people with video game addiction. Both of us are parents ourselves and figuring out how to raise kids in this high tech world we all live in today. 

I'm always learning things from Mathew, and during this webinar I asked him questions about a number of topics, including addiction, attention and advice for consequences when rules around technology aren't followed. I often receive questions from parents who are divorced about how to enforce rules when parents have different beliefs, and he had some great advice. We also asked those registering to submit questions ahead of time and received about 60 questions which we grouped into six areas and addressed during the webinar: Screen Time & Balance, Attention & Focus, Addiction, Parenting & Modeling, Monitoring & Filtering, and Age Recommendations. You can watch the 54 minute recording here. 

During the webinar parents submitted another 25 questions which we tried to answer. We sent out a survey afterwards and asked parents to let us know future topics of interest. You can see the results from our survey pictured (24 responses so far). Feedback about the webinar itself is pictured below. Because of such positive results and so many people asking us to do another session, we are planning a second webinar in a few weeks (on May 10). I'll post this second webinar recording afterwards on this blog. During our next webinar we plan to include a live video with a webcam to make it more than just an audio file with some slides. 
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